Jokes
  Doctor jokes
  From the working life
  Jokes with boys and girls
  Jokes with God and other higher nature
  Child jokes
  Police jokes
  Other jokes
  Jokes with grandma and grandpa
  Jokes with animals


Jokes with a higher nature

The ten commandments
Moses came down of the mountain, around God message servicing this one to announce. He said: "So I have a piece of good and a bad news. The good is, I have him down on ten and the bad one: "Unfortunately, adultery still is there!"

Curse forbidden
A priest and a nun play tennis. Both are engaged correctly. But every time if the priest misses the ball, he yells according to the "Shit besides this"!. Of course this goes for the nun against the line. Further and as this one priests as dermally misses and curses, bursts for the nun of the collars and calls to him over here play you: "If you curse once again, then the lightning shall meet you!" It you play on and the priest tries to control himself but after several inappropriate balls slips him again out: "Shit besides this!". Suddenly the sky opens up and a lightning drives down, and meets the nun. She drops dead. From above a voice: "Shit besides this!"

Church communication
A piece of paper was put up with the following contents at a church door: "To be entered this sacred hall has just as sinfully, as a virgin to rape". One has written letters with octopus leagues under this: "Have tried both, no comparison!".

Mistake
Jesus goes through the desert. He meets an old man, who is looking mistaken around. Jesus: "Age man for what you look here in this wasteland?" Age man: "I am looking for my son." Jesus: "Yes ... how long do you already look for man at this hopeless place better?". Age man: "I search really already to the 30 years!". Jesus: "But how do you want to recognize your son after such a long time, then?" Age man: "My son has holes in the hands and in the feets". Jesus raised his hands there, referred to the holes into this and called: "I am it you here!". And the old one called full of joy and with tears in the eyes: "Oh ... Pinoccio ... !!!"

Heal unwantedly
Three men go on the Street. They notice a man on the opposite Streetside who looks like Jesus. After some think they decide to ask this man, if he is Jesus. The first takes the opportunity by the shock of hair and asks Jesus, whether he he cannot cure his broken arm. "But clearly anyway ..." answer Jesus " ... for this I am there anyway!" A heart composes itself and asks whether his stiff knee cannot Jesus repair again also the second? Also this takes care of Jesus promptly. Only the third party didn't really want. He didn't even come onto the other Streetside. Jesus finally went to him and asked him whether also he wants to be delivered from his sufferings, then. On the one of these: "Don't grasp me, I am pensioner!"

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Doctor jokes

Misunderstanding
A morning visit makes a doctor into in prison. He asks by the flap at the first cell: "Chair?" Answer: "Normal today!" - at the second: "Chair?" - answer: "Yesterday something thin but today again OK!" - at the third one: "Chair?" - answer: "Tomorrow electric!"

Dismissal from the Psychatrie
The professor asks his patient "Hallo Mr Meier, you will dismiss from the Psychatrie tomorrow, what you make woolen if you are here out"?. This answers: "I work as a teacher Professor!". "This simplifies the thing ..." the Psychator replied " ... I then don't have to fill out any dismissal papers, a transfer bill then suffices!"

Before the operation
Doctor to patient: "Why do you run from the OP hall out?" Patient: "The nurse has said: Don't get so irritated, this is only a simple appendix operation. You will already make it!" Doctor: "Bad and it is its turn?" Patient: "She has not said it to me but to the surgeon ..."

The right health insurance company
A patient enters the treatment room with the doctor and sees a skeleton in the corner stand.
Patient: oh doctor ... " Opinion material?"
Doctor: no " - National Health patient!"

Put cat to sleep ??? ???
The veterinarian calls with Mr Miller: "Your wife is with your cat there and asked me to make her sleepy. Is this all right?" "You can set the cat outside after it, she knows the way home."

Ugh as common ...
An African comes to the doctor, he is badly and so. The doctor looks at him, lets him undress completely and says briefly: "You squat into this corner of the room now." The doctor stands up for the African, well-considered briefly and, after that, still lets the patient go in front of his desk and next to the door into the squatting position. He thinks: "Hmm, oh ..." The patient asks a little intimidatedly, whether he a little bad is missing. The doctor thinks: "No, no. You have a simple cold, I have seen this at once. But I get a black leather armchair next week and wanted to see, whether that one is suitable of here at all ..."

Wrong spiral
"Doctor, Doktor, my spiral ist no sitting correct!" "Then come in please!" doing... doing... doing...

Caution glass eye!
A man with a glass eye goes to the doctor and asks whether one couldn't help him to get two seeing eyes operatively again. The doctor answers this would already be possible but he must find a donator eye which would virtually be quite fresh therefore of an exactly deceased. The man drives home and he is overtaken by a rapidly itinerant "Porsche"- driver on the way back. A couple of kilometers further he sees the Porschefahrer fatally is killed in an accident lie in the road ditch. He thinks this is the opportunity anyway for man. The man is dead and I would come to my eye. One he looks around quickly, takes an eye away from the dead man out his glass eye sets him and returns to the doctor again. The doctor immediately operates for him on the eye for one, too. The next day the doctor gets to relieve around the association in the sick-room and says to the man: "I also have brought you a newspaper so that we can check directly whether the operation was successful." The man opens the newspaper and the first, what he reads is the following heading: "Police stand with a puzzle. A "Porsche"-driver having been killed was found with two glass eyes yesterday night."

Things in common
What a German shepherd and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common for ??? A damp nose.

Take a bath at diarrhea?
"Doctor, doctor, I have diarrhea, can I take a bath with that?" "Yes, if you get the bath fully."

Who makes something like that, then?
A woman comes to the doctor: "I have a knot for doctor in the chest." On this the doctor: "Who makes something like that, then?"

Knife in the belly
It is 2 minutes to 5 a Clock p.m. and the doctor want to close his office, at 5 p.m. A man comes and says with a knife in the belly there: "You help doctor, doctor sir for me!" The doctor on this: "I am sorry, I have no more time now, I have quitting time now!" The man on this: "Doctor! Doctor, it is so aching, help so anyway." The doctor wonders a while then he packs the knife, it pulls out it stings into the eye and says: "Go to the eye specialist, this one is open till half past 5."

Measuring fevers
A husband races to the doctor. "Come fast, incredibly high fever has my wife!" -- "as high because"? Mmmm our fever thermometer is broken "but" the one cook thermometer stands on mirabelles.

Water in the cellar
A doctor comes home after his work in the evening and notices that his half cellar has filled with water. So he calls with the next plumber. This one refers that he has quitting time now and needs his leisure time. As for the rest he is definitely ready to solve the problem tomorrow as of 8.00 hours. The doctor replies that he finally cannot refer either to his quitting time if the patients called after him. The plumber finally consents and goes to the doctor. Arrived at this the water already stands up to the second to the last step. The plumber burrows something in his bags. He finally takes a sealing ring out and throws him specifically into the water. He then replies: "And, if it isn't better tomorrow, then they call me once again!".

Play unhealthily
Little Paul sits in the café and has remarked fast that the girl doesn't have any pair of briefs on opposite him. He puts shoes and socks on sent from and begins with his big toe, to play girls. He has to go to the doctor a week later because him an itching at the toe. The doctor examines him and says: "I am sorry, Tja, but you have gonorrheas at the toe." Little Paul: "But there isn't Mr Doktor, sowas anyway at all!" "If you have an idea, yesterday a girl was here namely, this one had Foot fungus at her pussy!"

It works once
"How do my chances, doctor, stand?" Tja, you "know" I already make this operation the 24th time! Na, I "am" then calmed. I "must" succeed her -- ! just -- once

Appendix operation rotting
Miller must have an operation at the appendix and is afraid infernally. The doctor calms him: Only no fear my dear, we will be on the legs quite fast again. Within few hours after the operation we let the legs dangle from bed again. In the afternoon stands we to go to the window straight to have a try we for half a little while on and in the evening. Miller hears this with growing annoyance "but" you won't mind for certain anyway if I remain lying at the operation!

Courage with the dentist
One total unquiet and a shy man comes to the dentist to the tooth ache. He is such afraid that the dentist doesn't come to the train. The doctor has a good idea and offer the man a firm whiskey. And since one makes only a little bit courageously, the throat is washed down a second and also a more thirdly. The doctor asks for the 7 ten whiskey: "Have we enough courage for now?" "But of course ..." the patient replies " ... and I would like to see the one who dares to grasp my tooth now!"

One must explain it only considerably
"This will be aching now a little bit!" the dentist says to the patient " ... Grit your teeth and open your mouth far.!"

Lending out nothing important
A man comes to the doctor: "I don't get my foreskin back for doctor". Doctor with a smiling: "One doesn't lend this one out anyway either".

Operation mishap
A man comes, to the doctor he would have power difficulties so and whether one cannot do something there. The doctor examines him thoroughly and one must professedly operate on -- take the testicles out treat with a special solution and then reinstate. The man agrees. The Chirug takes the both testicles out during the operation and they slip away and exactly are into the sink and away the Dinger for him as it wants destiny. In his need the Chirug sews since nothing else available, a wood and a steel ball one. Years later he meets the man in the street and asks this for his condition. "I feel excellent and yes he I two healthy children." Doctor astonishes: How old are the two, then?" Man: "Hmmm... Pinochio is six and Terminator seven."

Not amputation always necessary
Doctor: "OK, we have a look in our clever book ... a green tail must be amputated, ... a purple tail must amputated be, ... blue striped tail, you also must amputate. Aha ... we have it: silver tail, you don't have to amputate ..." Patient: "God is thanks to doctor!" Doctor: "... ... .... by himself falls!"

In front of and disadvantages
Doctor: "I must make a sad message for you ... You have to live only another month!" Patient: "I have already doctor thought I must for work on Monday again thank God!"

Doctor: "I must make two announcements for you ... a good one and bad one." Patient: "First the bad one, please". Doctor: "They have to live cancer and only still half a year.". Patient expectant: "And now the good one please!" Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer ... you have forgotten himself tomorrow."

Self-help with the dentist
His practice has newly open and the young dentist his very first patient handsome pretty blonde. Present has hardly said he " you open your mouth " he feel, like she strokes his knee like her hand, then his thigh his of (in the meantime) tight Max strokes and he thinks at himself so " oh wow! This starts terrifically ..." She has opened his zipper and take his eggs in her hand in the meantime: "Doctor, we shrilly really don't want to be aching each other?! ..."

Effective cough recipe
A man comes to the doctor and complains about his bad cough. He already has tried everything, what drugstores and pharmacies give, nothing has used till now. The doctor prescribes a strong Laxative in this and asks the man to come back on the next day. On the next day the doctor asks: Na, they still "have" her cough? On the one of the man: I already still have the cough "but" I don't dare any more!

Increase purpose ballpoint pen
The doctor is just writing his report. Nurse: "Yes, Doktor, she write but sir with the fever thermometer." Doctor: "You then go and into which fanny look my coolie puts."

In the restaurant
A doctor studies the menu in the restaurant. The waiter zealously claims to help with the choice: "I have salted tongue, muffled brain, frog's leg and sour kidneys!" "Ok ... "the doctor says" ... then come at once in my consultation hour best, I want to eat something only fast!"

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Child jokes

The right presents
"What have you got at Christmas, then?" Erna asks smally this one Fritzes. "Na the usual ..." this answers " ... Catapult, air rifle, 3 balls and a discus." Erna astonishedly asks smally " funny mixture don't keep "? "No not at all ..." little Fritz notices " ... my father is a glazier!"

We are not so bad
The teacher comes the math tasks into the classroom and schmeisst furiously on the table and tells "the class is so bad, 70% get a 5"! Little Fritz reports and says there: This cannot be Mr teacher at all, we really aren't so much at all!

Bad marks rightly
3 very bad pupils talk as one can get one over on the teacher. The first of you has the note 6 into discipline, the second the note 6 into order and the third party into biology. OK tells this one the note 6 with the bad disciplin "I hold se tight so!". And with the bad order this one throws there: "You and I break the cloth of the body and hide you so that she will never find this one again!" And this one finally thinks with the biology 6: "Oh yes, we do this and I pinch se into the eggs!"

What one says pay attention
The boss of a company calls with his employee at home and wants to speak this. However, little Fritz lifts the listener.
Boss: "I can talk to Mr Meier"?
Fritz: "Yes ... this is my daddy! ... but who speaks there, then?"
Boss: "The boss of your father is here".
Fritz: "Which boss? ... my daddy has 3 bosses."
Boss: "Why which boss -- the boss flat!"
Fritz: "Are you the 'bad bag' or 'the fatso' or are you the, this one which has no idea of nothing?"

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Other jokes

In the elevator
The elevator boy says to the girl: "Do I drive for you too fast?" I want this for my pair of briefs always in the hollows of the knee, "I well carry mine"!.

Mail to the tax office
An East Frisian receives the forms from the tax office for the income tax return and sends these back with the following lines: "Enclosed I return your leaflets to you, I don't have the intention to join an organization with such complicated photo conditions".

New habits
A prisoner is on the flight after 25 years in can. During this flight he breaks into the house of a newly wed couple. Firm and the woman bind the husband to the chair on the bed for him. Then he leans over the woman and it seemed as if he would kiss her neck. Suddenly the refugee got up and left the room. Treasure the husband immediately hopped with the chair by the room and whispered to his wife: "! This man has seen no more woman for years! I have seen how he has kissed you in the neck. Simply do everything he says. If he wants to have sex with you, then then let it go out over you and work as if you like it. You do whatever, don't take him to rage! Our life depends on it! Be strong! I love you!" After the woman has spat her gag out she whispers: " am treasure, I gladly that you think about this so. You are right, he hasn't seen a woman for years. But he hasn't kissed my neck, he has whispered me ear into this. He thinks that you would be rather cute and he has asked me where I would keep the jelly in the bath. Be strong! I also love you!"

Car broken
Three people go by car. Suddenly. TöffTööff. Car stops, nothing goes more. Clear case, piston seizure, engine thinks the first one (a car mechanic): " to, to do nothing more ". Thinks the second (a car electrician): Clear case, cable tree " blown, electrical equipment to, do nothing more ". Thinks the third one (a Windows computer scientist): "Clear case, window to, restart, window again. The box then runs again.

On the farm
"Say you farmer, smoke your horse?" "No ...!" "Ok ... Your stable then burns!"

One can always need
Two buckets have hot water, however, need only one for two blondes. What do they do with the other one? "If makes nothing, we freeze it, one always can need hot water."

Miscalculation
A philosopher, a physicist and a mathematician stand on the roof of a skyscraper and ponder over the meaning of the life. The philosopher doesn't come to any sensible solution and jumps into the death from Verzweifelung. The physicist also doesn't want to take second place there. He calculates his jump very exactly, though, the case acceleration, the crosswind, takes into account the air pressure and jumps down from the building edge. He fells direction earth in a bend flight path, an oak orbits 2 times and then hits the hard street concrete. The mathematician thinks that would not have found meaning in the life if two, he mustn't remain at the life either. He also calculates his venture, the 3 te derivation forms the flight path from the building height, logarithmiert, the 5 te root moves from the breadth of the roof edge and jumps into the precipice. Instead of, however, falling to below, he flies highly into a neat bend to the sky and disappears in the clouds. What has happened? Pre-character error ...

The last words
Blonde in the airplane: "Looks paint treasure, I can have delivered the landing flaps with the mobile telephone!"

Inclusive of service
A man drives with an extremely battered car in front of and says "please wash"!for a gas station. The gas station attendant also says "debit I iron him "?

Argue under colleagues
A butcher and a baker argue. The butcher sews to the baker: "You match, that the flies don't steal your rolls!" On the one of the bakers back: "You just need it, at the last high water your sausages have been washed out to the keyhole anyway!"

One just only believes the tax office capable bad
An old poor woman writes a letter to the dear God: "Dear God, I feel so bad, be so good and send me 100 dollar." The letter lands inadvertently for the tax office. The officials have con-song with the woman, after all 70 dollar collect for her and come together it. The woman of course is pleased about the donation and immediately writes back: "Dear God, many thanks, for the 100 dollar. Elegant but time next to it the letter not over the tax office. The rags have smoothly withdrawn 30 dollar for me anyway!"

At the fire station ...
The boss of a fire department guard duty gets -- both hands put in the trouser pockets deeply -- quite slowly in the day room of his mens. After he has drunk a coffee, he says: "Makes you quite slow and ready -- the tax office softly burns ..."

The right pet names
The mother takes the little daughter into the arms: "So much you love your tennis teacher?" this one sobs -- , " for "yes" he is always so kind to me. He calls me his little pigeon, his bunny, his mouse ..." "I know this ", the mother thinks and sighs, " the animals always get more greatly later ..."

In the streetcar
Filled streetcar, everything belly to belly, back to backs. A young young lady in the Mini dislikes this obviously. A construction worker standing behind her says there: "Excuse me, what pushes you about into the cross there is my weekly wage, today, I unfortunately have got only hard cash." "Your hard cash doesn't disturb me at all but how can they explain the increase in pay to me since the last stop?"

Cannibals
A cannibal sits with his son and be terribly hungry in the pedestrian precinct. A stout woman drops in there. The boy says: "We eat which for daddy, now there!" The father responds to it: "My son, no, this one is far too fat. This is bad for the liver." After this a spindly woman comes. The boy says: "We eat this one but daddy, now!" On this the father: "No my son. This one is so dry, we break our teeth there -- we get defect appearances there." As third a really lovely, slim, perfectly grown and young woman comes along the way. The boy says: "We eat this one but daddy, this one there, now!" On this the father: "No my son. We take this one with home and eat the mom!"

Accident
Manta driver on the intensive care unit: "Quite quietly dear Manta driver. You had an accident!" "Woooooaaaaaah ... my nice car, ... wail!" "This isn't the worst, we had to amputate you both legs." "Aaaaargh my cowboyboots!"

Good brakes
A Manta driver says what, if he full to a wall faehrt? "Boah ehj..., super brakes ehj... !"

Testing bridge
The engineer and the site supervisor stand in front of the bridge just completed and are pleased about her work. The Ingenieuer asks "whether she also holds". "We can immediately test this ..." The site supervisor thinks " ... all the construction workers still are there anyway!" He immediately instructs, that all construction workers go on the bridge and jump there highly and down. The bridge doesn't bear this and collapses crashing. "Son Scheiß!" the site supervisor thinks. "Turn out well in the accident ..." the Ingeneuer says " ... if we had taken cement, this one also would be in the fanny!"

It must have been one
The cement, the steel and the sand stand because of the overwhelmed bridge in front of court. The steel says: "I not wars ... I had the necessary carbon amount, had the necessary pressure and tensile strength ... I not wars!". The sand says: "I wars also not. I was, sifted correctly the necessary humidity had ... I cannot have been it ". This one looks everything at the cement expectantly. "That is you don't need to look at me at all so ... I didn't take me wars part namely also not, at all."

Is not valid make ill
The site foreman says to his bricklayers: "Take the competition as an example, is there he doesn't continually, if one has shivering fit there, report for the sand seven, celebrated illy!"

Who is the laziest one?
The company commander has begun and shouts: "Once the laziest soldier is rewarded today. A day special leave for the laziest recruit. Therefore who the worst is unite step jut out!" The whole company doesn't kick a step in front of only lance corporal Meier. "What He Meier is with them?" the chieftain yells."Too bad!" the sluggish Anwort comes.

On the birth station
Two newborn childs face each other in neighboring beds. The one suddenly calls " look ... with a happy voice, on the other hand I am a boy!". The other calls back "From where do you know this one" The former draws his blanket aside there, shows with the finger to himself down and calls " look ... blue little stockings ".

Expecting not too much
In the anatomy lecture in front of the freshly baked medical students of the first semester the Professor lectures " ... Ladies and gentlemen, there is an organ with man whose size enlarges at excitement around the seven-fold one!". He turns " Na young woman ... from the first row to a shy young lady what kind of organ this will be well?". This gets scarlet, no sensible word on your lips begins to stammer, looks in embarrassment to below and gets in the rest. The professor further declares " ... on this it is the pupil ... and her most merciful means, great expectations shouldn't cherish too to your friend!"

Sleeping in the car
On a parking lot in the middle of the town a man sits in his car and wants to take a small nap. Fallen asleep just it knocks at the plate. A jogger stands in front of this and asks: "Know you as late it is?". "Yes ... The driver answers 7.30 hours ". Hardly fallen asleep again knocks it at the plate once more. Again a jogger and this one is again question. "Yes ... This is 7.40 hours for the Answer ". I the driver needs absolutely a couple of minutes sleep therefore he writes a piece of paper "I don't know the time now!" and fasten him to the plate. Hardly fallen asleep it knocks at the plate in turn. Again a jogger. "It is 7.50 hours now!" this calls.

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Animal Jokes

Christmas goose
"Are you treasure like far with the Christmas goose?" "I am ready with pulling up! ... I must only slaughter her now!"

Conversation with a parrot
An older lady comes into a zoo action and has a look at the many animals. In front of the parrot cage she stops and asks: "Oh you little colored bird - you can speak also?" On this the parrot: "Also can you fly you old crow?"

It depends on the circumstances
Two pigeons sit on the roof. A jet fighter flies past. "This one is man fast!" this one says one. "You also would be this if the fanny would for you burn so."

What one eats pay attention
2 crocodiles meet in the Nil. The first crocodile says: "Uhi. I have eaten a woman recently. This one fell directly from the bridge and this one had such red hair and was so sharp that I had to wash my mouth for an hour." The other crocodile answers: "This is nothing at all anyway. I have eaten a fair-haired woman recently. It was this one so fair-hairedly and hollowly that I couldn't dive for a week."

Extreme sex
A lion horde watches an elephant herd in the hot sun. An elephant always goes in regular distances to the obvious jungle. One then hears Affenkreischen and an infernal show from the woods is. Laughing cramps more loudly don't get up throwing himself for the other elephants with laughter into the dust and be able to and if the elephant trompetent comes out again in front of ... as long as till the next elephant goes to the woods. The boss of the lions doesn't bear it with curiosity schliesslich any more. He goes to the elephants over here and asks what would be so funny in the jungle, then, that all elephants rolled about with laughter in the dirt. The elephant boss replied "we lay the monkeys"!. The lion says: "We open this for anyway but it is its turn, then so extremely funny?" "Well ..." the elephant replied " ... with you they don't burst!"

Also I see you and the emperor sees you too
A burglar gets in into an empty house. Suddenly, he hears a voice: "I see you and the emperor sees you too" also! in the second floor. The burglar is frightened and searches with the flashlight after the owner of the voice. He hears: "I see you and the emperor sees you too" also again. A parrot gets visible in the light circle of the flashlight. "Stupid bird!" the burglar says, the light switches on, and sees a powerful Dobermann which stares at him with scintillating eyes and baring teeth. The parrot: "Emperor put one's hand ...!"

The Frog Prince
The princess goes to the pond and says to the frog "I must kiss you now so that you become a prince"? The frog: "No this is by brother. You must blow one for me ...!'

Great and small
More smally a moult self has terribly ink on the fountain pen and looks for a partner. But he searches so long, too, he doesn't find any Mäusin and also other female animals cannot be found either. He finally sees a heavy elephant lady on a clearing. Therefore in his need, nothing like to. The moult self climbs behind at the elephant highly and gets down without delay to work. When he is in the middle of the thing so fells of the mouse unnoticedly the elephant Lady a Cocusnut of the obvious palm in the middle of the head. "Auuuuu ...!" this yells. The moult self interprets this, however, completely differently and calls to this " it must be aching ... it must be aching ..."!

The good fairy - part 1
A little fanny runs through the woods and all animals in the woods make fun of him and swear at him. "Silly fanny!" the one and "sow fanny" calls the other ones. Finally the little fanny sits down on a tree stump and cried bitterly. A fairy dropped in and permitted him a wish there. The little fanny said there that he would like to be a little bird and the wish was fulfilled for him promptly. How was our little fanny happy there and flew highly over the trees? And as him had flown enough he sat down exhausted but happy and content highly on a branch on an oak. Another bird came there and said "day fanny". "I am ", no more fanny now our little new bird said, " ... I am a little bird now!". "You think that way the other said, then whistle!" The little bird raised and a firm "Puuuups" loudly sounded.

The good fairy - part 2
A bear and a rabbit argue on a clearing in the woods. A fairy comes there and promises every 3 wishes if they stopped the quarrel. The two consent and it is the rabbit's turn first. This one says "I would like a motorcycle" for his wish. The bear and to be more precise all bears has, however, terribly ink on the fountain pen and demands, that all bears are women in the woods. As a second wish the Haase wants a bag Mörchen. The bear has still more pressure on the cartridge now and wants now that be all bears into all of Germany women everywhere in all of Germany only female bears. Finally it is the rabbit's turn with his third wish but the bear wants to jump the line and express his third wish first. "This is common ..." the rabbit says " ... it is my turn!" The bear is consideration loose, however, and wishes that all bears are women in the world in the whole world. On this the rabbit: "This was common ... but now I pay back you for it, you have this of this now so ... I want you to be gay!"

Nothing goes over a long neck
A rabbit meets a giraffe. "Oh, you have a long neck, however?" the bunny is astonished. The giraffe immediately catches to the great fellow herauszukehren: "If I drink, then this is so beautifully cool laaaang if I eat clover, I then have the lovely taste sooooo in the neck for a long time and, if I suck a cough drop, then then laaaaange likes this well". Finally haste you burst for the rabbit at so much showing-off of the collars and he asks " puked before "?

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From the working life

Start of work general an hour late
An unemployed applies to the tax office. The idea conversation with the personnel manager proceeds positively: The unemployed is hired 35 hour week, working time from 7:00 to 16:00 hours, easy work, 35 days of vacation. He is then introduced to the medical officer for the suitability examination. Our man confesses to it that he has no more testicles. "This makes nothing ..." the doctor replied ". then you begin only at 9:00 hours." On the question of the man why this is " answer the medical officer, then, these himself rock for from 7:00 to 9:00 hours at the tax office anyway for the eggs "!

Nothing goes over a good secretary
3 secretaries squat in the anteroom of the boss. The first one says: "You don't believe it ... I have found a condom on the desk of the boss today!" The second says: "Ugh ... I have fetched a needle and stung a hole purely but me!" This one says third parties: "I think I feel bad!"

Aufnahmeprüfung bei der CIA
Three agents are at the CIA school in front of the finaltest. The instructor says to the first one: "There is your girl friend in the next room. You have a pistol here. You have 30 seconds to kill her!" After 30 seconds the man comes from the room, the pistol gives the Instruktor back and says to with his girl friend at his hand: "Toots suffer, I don't know this for me!" - fallen through !!! The instructor says to him when it is the second turn: "There is your fiancée in the next room. You have a pistol here. You have 30 seconds to kill her!" After 30 seconds the man comes from the room, the pistol gives the Instruktor back and says to with his fiancée at his hand: "Toots suffer, I don't know this for me!" - also fallen through !!! The instructor says to the third one: "Your wife is with this one in the next room you are married already 10 years. You have a pistol here. You have 30 seconds to kill her!" The man goes into the room. A terrible noise sounds after two seconds and the man stands after 20 seconds in front of the door and says to the instructor again: "Any idiot has given blank cartridges into the pistol. I must have killed her with the armchair ..."

Memoirs
"I want you don't blackmail director, I, however, must, if you don't increase my salary, write my memoirs!"

Hygiene in the country
The farmer enters the room of the farm hand in the morning and just still gets the work trousers draw herself over the naked bottom like this. The farmer begins to get angry: "You you don't wear any pants, you have never heard what of hygiene piglet?" On this the farm hand: "Hygiene, what is that?" Farmer: "You go behind to the court now and take of the cord long gray pants of me, you attract this one; then firstly, also it is cleaner and it is warmer." The farm hand puts the pants on stands out on the tractor and as of it works onto the field, the work trousers about this. After some time the farm hand remembers, this it is time for the morning funk, he increases of the tractor, draws work trousers down and squats next to the tractor. He then pushes a full pound into the pants. When he is ready, he turns round to examine this. "Oh, ..." he thinks, " ... does the farmer be right, clean is it?" Then he pulls up the work trousers again, sits down on the tractor and pushes the bottom into the seat bowl: "Also ... and warmer is it too."

Notice at the black board
A piece of paper of the boss is attached to the black Brett of a company one morning: "I ask for suggestions so that everyone sits at the ring at the desk!". In the next morning a new piece of paper hangs under this there: "Simply let the one who comes at the last one ring."

It depends on the situation
The site supervisor comes to his troop excitedly and holds a plan up. "Boys ... he says " ... we must urgently build a tower and he must be ready already tomorrow ". The buddy spit into the hands and are rooted in bulk, that it is dusty only in such a way. When the tower is the next day shortly before the completion hold ... the site supervisor hurries here once more and calls desperately " everything back ... has the plan rum held runs, the whole must become a fountain!"

Official examination
Two candidates for the elevated service sit in front of the room of the examination commission. Both are powerfully excited. The first one is called in. The chairman explains: "We ask a question to you, you have the right to a counterquestion, this is answered by us and we then expect your answer. Have you understood this?" Candidate: "Yes.". Chairman: "The question is: It is made of leather and gets at the feet used. What is this?" Candidate: "Does it have shoelaces?" Chairman: "Yes." Candidate then "must" be it a pair of shoes. Chairman: "There have been they correctly." The candidate comes out. The second candidate rushes nervously at him. "How does this there run into this?" The former: "These ask you a question, you provide a counterquestion, you get an answer and must answer the question then." Second: "And what have these asked?" The former: "It is made of leather and gets at the feet used." second: " and, and you have asked what?" "Does it have shoelaces?" "And what have these answered?" "Yes." "You have what answered and?" "These are then a couple of shoes. There have been I with that." The second candidate is called in. The chairman explains the expiry to him once again, too. The candidate explains that he has understood everything. Chairman: "Your question is, it hangs on the wall and makes tic tack. What is this?" Candidate 2: "Does it have shoelaces?" Chairman: "No." Candidate 2: "It then must be a pair of sandals!"

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Jokes with boys and girls

On the escalator
Two friends meet -- the one asks: "Man you have 2 blue eyes, then, you have fallen down why?" "Oh ..." this one says, " ... one wants to be kind sometimes there and one into the cakehole gets at once ". The second asks sympathetically what has happened, then. In turn the first one answers: "You know were but I shop at Karstadt recently that. I so stand on the escalator there and see himself her skirt like the woman in front of me in her botty has jammed. I think -- I', friendly and pull the garment out for her carefully. This one turns round anyway there and hits on the eye !!! full of one" "And the other eye ..." his friend further asked " ... why this is blue, then "?. "of course I have pure told you the skirt again!"

The right present
Two friends talk.
The first one asks "what do you give your wife at Christmas"?
This answers: " oh ... she gets a chain this year."
The first says: " a good idea ... mine always runs away, too!"

Way block is sure
A man comes quite excitedly to the police station coagulated and call already loudly at the reinkommen: "Mr Officer -- fast ... they lock me in for schliessen, away, for her for me they bundle me off to the darkest dungeon what they have!" To what the official replied:
Awake master: "What has now quite quietly happened?"
Man: "I have hit my wife with the frying pan over the head!"
Awake master: "And is she dead?"
Man: No but she "must" man be just here!

Senseless massage
Little Peter comes into the parental bedroom and sees how his mother sits on the father. As an explanation daddy only occurs " to the mother I must massage for the thick belly" on this for Klaus: "Nothing helps, the neighbor comes every Wednesday and inflates him again!"

Mother-in-law
Two friends talk.
The first asks: " what is if the mother-in-law sees from the cellar window?"
The second answer: I don't know."
The first one says: "the chain is then too long"!

Forecast
The father hears the son praying in the evening: "Dear God, please bless me, the daddy, the Mom and the grandma!" The father says nothing, however, remarks that the son has forgotten the grandpa. The next day the grandpa dies. The father hears the son praying in the evening again: "Dear God, please bless me, the daddy and the Mom!" The next day the grandma dies. The boy prays again: "Dear God, please bless me and the Mom!" The father doesn't go to work the next day, shocked fully, and would pass nothing for him with that temptedly to spare himself as well as possible. In the evening he still lives. Say the mother there: "Has belonged to her, the Brieftraeger has died today!"

After 30 years marriage everything like it isn't was either
The couple is married and one celebrated for 30 years in the room of the hotel where one had spent the wedding night. The man already lies in bed stark-nakedly when his wife comes from the bath exactly like at that time. She seductively asks him: "Darling says you have thought what at that time when I came from the bath so?" He replies: "I have scrutinized you and and you I would like your chests aussaugen, imagined, the intellect way bangs!" "And what do you think today?" she asks with a voice shaking with excitement. The man thinks: "I think that I have succeeded quite well."

Seen once again
Grandma and grandpa go to try after many years it into bed and woolen with each other again together. Unfortunately, it doesn't with the grandpa work any more and he get no-one more highly. Think comforting grandma: Make nothing ... importend is that they having seen himself again...
One must try just only
A man comes to a sperm bank. He stretches a revolver and says to the employee: "To the safe!" The employee says: "But good man, we have not the slightest money anyway, we are a sperm bank anyway!" The man says: "Nothing there, on to the safe and open it!" The employee opens the safe, he takes out a small glass with sperm and says: "Drink this!" The employee drinks it. He takes out a further glass with sperm and says again: "Drink this!" After she has empty drunk the glasses, he draws his mask down an its the husband und he says: "Look treasure goes, anyway."

Is wear black in
The honeymoon is vorrüber and the sexual interest of Mr Gemahls in his companion diminishes noticeably. This recommends her seeking advice to attract black sexy underwear. So it happens. She buys wickedly expensive black silk stockings, a narrowness black top bodice with high-heeled for herself. An extremely thin black silk cloth puts himself over and take still with the most expensive perfume, for her for himself for one last what to be got has and expects your husband so. This one enters the apartment sees his wife, gets deathly pale, drops his file button with fright and stammers: "Has mother died?"

Wedding night
Both are in bed in the wedding night for the first time. She looks expectantly to yours freshly husbund over here you but this one doesn't move but stares only in embarrassment to the blanket. After another hour this one still doesn't move. When he still doesn't show any reaction after a renewed hour, burst for the woman of the collars. "If you don't do something at once, I fetch a man of the street!" ... "Oh yes ... then bring me ones more for me ..., please!"

Wochendende at home
"Say you, for it you don't sit in the bar, why real on Sunday either whole week?" "The Sunday belongs to my family ... I sit in front of the television set there!"

Separate bedrooms
A young married couple has separate bedrooms. The friend of the wife can't take hold of it at all and would pass what, asks curiously, then if the man feels a sexual need. "Oh, this is very simple ..." answer the mentioned " ... he then whistles " briefly. "Yes good, ..." the friend further drills " ... however, what is if you yourself bear such a desire in yourself?" "This is so simply toward end, then I go over here and ask: You have whistled darling?"

At the group of regulars
Three skat brothers talk about her wives and her children. This one says one: I only have 2 children and everything ", because mean woman double little Lotte has seen the film ". "This is still nothing at all ..." answer the second " ... I only have 3 children and everything because the three MUSKETIERE has seen the film mean woman." Suddenly the third party gets deathly pale, direction door cracks, snatches his things and runs. "What is the matter, then?" the two others afterwards call. "I must hurry ..." the quick calls " ... my wife makes heut television evening and starts with Cinderella and the 7 dwarves within 10 minutes!"

The wrong one
"Say you had such a terrific secretary anyway why has so suddenly this handed in her notice, then?". "She has caught me at it as I have kissed my wife."
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Police jokes

Breath test
"Police control!" The policeman to a blonde asks: "the driver's license - you have driven too fast" "What this" asked the blonde."The pink piece of paper with your picture on this", says the policeman. "I have this" answer the blonde says. "And now asks the vehicle papers", says the policeman. The blonde: "What is this, then?" "The paper stands on the, that this car belongs to them!" "I don't have this", says the blonde. The policeman turns round and what he shall in a considered way do. He imagines that he can have a lot of fun with the blonde and turns round again. He opens his flies and takes his XXX out. "Once blows, please, he says to the blonde". "This doesn't" moan the girl "no again one Alcoholtest ... I just had one in front of 6 kilometers."

Clever
Two policemen run patrol and it is shortly before end of work. You suddenly see that a man has hung himself up on the streetlamp. "Such a dung." this one says one." "Exact ..." answer the different one " ... to and, if we report this now, then these of the criminal police, these of the securing of evidence come and we then aren't the press in the evening at 10 o'clock yet ruffles.". "We make this...?" the first says, "we hang this one to the neighbor area, the colleagues shall get finished with that anyway"!. Worked said. The two unbutton the dead man of the lantern, carry him to the neighbor area and hang him there on the only best lantern. The two have for this one to this district of policeman umd being part of it for the corner hardly disappeared, sees the dead man hanging and calling astonishedly there: "Condemn ... does this one hang here again?"

Stop sign
Policeman: " Hey you ... you have gone over a stop signpost!"
Driver: "and ... hic ... does it still live?"

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Jokes with grandma and grandpa

Nothing if one gets old
A representative sits in a village bar with variety entertainment in the evening. A 80-year-old grandpa comes onto the stage and puts a walnut on a table in front of himself. Under drum-roll he takes out his penis and crushes the nut with that into one thousand parts. The representative is impressed strongly. For some years he is in the village bar to guest again and this one is happy enormously years later than he sees that now 85-year-old grandpa still in the program appears. He puts even a coconut on the table this time. Hits out drum-roll, penis, coconut shatters in one thousand pieces out. The representative is enraptured completely and goes enthusiastically to the old one: "The walnut was 5 for years top already was. Why are you taking even a coconut in your age now, then?" The old one: "Jo Mei, the eyes just are getting worse ..."

No faithfulness of more -- black, pitch-black
Grandpa becomes acquainted with a friend in the old people's home. And pull her together fast on a room as this is so. In bed grandpa asks his new bed neighbor in the evening whether she cannot take his best piece into her hand in the night, he then falls asleep better. As for the rest this has his deceased wife -- God have her blissfully -- also made. Now grandma doesn't leave himself beg, the best part grips itself for grandpas and grandpa actually sleeps as of now like a stone for a long time. Opened after 4 weeks that she must move now again he has grandpa of his Zimmergenosssin for a new friend. Grandma under tears asks: "What does she have what I don't have?" grandpa answers: "Trembling hands!"

Age limitation
Two grandmas sit in the Cafè and talk. "You, I have a blue movie seen yesterday! Imagine, these have leaked there where we make wee-wee!" "Have young people the on the loo edge or at the lid today?"

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